On and On

When I go to read a blog and see that it's a million miles long, unless I'm in a particularly good mood, I won't read the whole thing unless it hooks me right from the start. I'm just being honest. And I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one. So I've decided that I'll stop writing such huge posts.

So.

My computer is a piece of crap (otherwise known as a PC) and it got a virus two days ago. I've yet to take it somewhere to get repaired, or whatever happens to it now, but it's annoying to not have all my stuff that is currently being stored on that hard drive. Thank the lord I have my music and pictures backed up.

Since I'm doing the honesty thing right now (even though I always try to be as bluntly realistic and honest as possible anyway) I'm going to give it to you straight: I'm done with summer. I've been on break for about 3 weeks now, and I'm so bored. I want school back. I'm excited for my classes to start in the fall. I have NEVER been excited for things like the fundamental elements of grammar and the human life cycle. Seriously.

I'll leave you with that.

Later days.

Song of the Day: "I've Got Friends" by Manchester Orchestra

fact: I put up a new vlog today.

Part 4: Death Cab and Random Strangers

During the summer of 2005, I hung out with my cousin Jenna and my good friend Lauren on a daily basis. On the weekends we spent our time at the Underground at night and sleeping during the day. Now that I think about it, I feel like our summer was something out of a young adult novel: Parents were nowhere to be seen, or at least rarely seen, and they seemed like the most pointless part of our lives at that point in time. We made an effort to get away from our homes and our families, to be free and live how we wanted to, regardless of whether or not we were only 14 or 15.

Also on a daily basis was music, most notably Death Cab For Cutie. There were other artists, such as The Shins, Tegan and Sara, and Rilo Kiley; it was definitely the summer of our discovery and love for indie music. The main songs that come to mind are:

"Transatlanticism" by Death Cab

"Passenger's Seat" by Death Cab

"We Looked Like Giants" by Death Cab

"Walking With A Ghost" by Tegan and Sara

"Speak Slow" by Tegan and Sara

"Jenny, You're Barely Alive" by Rilo Kiley

"Portions For Foxes" by Rilo Kiley

"Kissing The Lipless" by The Shins

"Caring Is Creepy" by The Shins

That's a good little playlist to perfect sum up that summer and how it felt to us. I'm listening to it now as I write and different memories are flowing through my head.

Just before July 4th three boys came over to my house. Matt. Morgan. Nathan. I think those were their names. Jenna, Lauren, and I were there, no one else. I didn't know the boys. Actually, I knew Nathan, or Nate. But the others, not so much. But I didn't care. I never cared about anything. I just wanted to fit in and be a chill person that everyone wanted to hang out with, which eventually ended up happening, but I soon after realized that having a social life didn't mean I had to disregard the rest of my life.

One of them was smoking on the front porch. I was worried that the neighbors would be suspicious about them, so we all went into my garage, where there was an extra room added on to the back of it. I had painted a giant wave on one of the walls, with reds and yellows and blues. And we had put our hand prints on the wall with paint. There were white Christmas lights up around the edges and an open window with no glass, but only a screen. I had put folding lawn chairs around the room.

It was my place. My spot that I went to where I could be by myself and think and listen to the previously mentioned playlist in peace. Or with Jenna and Lauren.

Another memory is one from about 4 months after that last one. By this time I no longer lived in the house with my garage room, unfortunately. I loved that house. It was in midtown Ventura, two blocks east of Ventura HS, which was a perfect spot for short boarding the hallways. Anyway, my mom got married, our family grew, and so we moved to another house, which happened to be in a completely different city about 20 minutes away.

While living there I didn't make any friends because I still went to school in Ventura everyday, and Jenna was sleeping over constantly. When ever she did sleep over, we would just go into my room and sit, letting incense burn, leaving the one window that could open just barely cracked.

During the day, light came in through the two small windows high up on the wall above my bed, the ones that couldn't be opened. At night we generally would just open all the windows and blinds so that we could see the moon and the stars, and the revolving lights from the tower at the Camarillo Airport would shine in through the little windows every 4 seconds or so.

On one night in particular I remember that we were sitting in the darkness, Jenna laying on my bed and me sitting on the floor, leaning on the side of the mattress and box spring. I was playing my guitar quietly because it was really late, and I was playing the classical songs that I had needed to practice earlier that day. I remember Jenna falling asleep while I played, and I also remember that I could barely keep my own eyes open, but I was enjoyed plucking at the strings so much that I literally fell asleep with my guitar in my hands.

I woke up barely a few minutes after dozing off, but I still remember a certain peace that I felt that night when I was playing. I remember that I could leave the window open because it was so warm out, and we were on the second floor of the house in a gated community, so there wasn't any worry of someone trying to break in or anything. I got up from sitting and put my guitar away, turned on the Death Cab mix that we were still constantly listening to, at a low volume, and laid down on the floor and fell to sleep.

Remembering these things makes me so happy, because I remember being so incredibly happy when they happened in the first place.

So please, dear readers of my blog, get a hold of those songs if you do not have them in your possession already, and the next time you're laying in bed at night and can't sleep, turn on a Death Cab For Cutie song. Lay there and listen to it. Relax. Don't think except to think of good things. Feel happy, feel peace. Close your eyes and just simply be.

Until next time,

Later Days.

I Feel It In My Bones

Just so you're aware, I'll be jumping around quite a lot. It's 3 am and I have A.D.D. That's just how my brain works. Actually, my brain works like that all the time, the fact that it's 3 am is completely irrelevant. I'll also be taking a page from Hayley G. Hoover's book, so to speak, and using asterisks* for a little bit of background story wherever I see fit. Which means I'll probably use way too many of them because I tend to go off on tangents a lot. For example, this introduction/explanation is far too long because I rambled too much. Enjoy.

My favorite quote is "I go to seek a Great Perhaps", the last words that were said by Francois Reblais, a French writer from the Renaissance period. Now, those of you who have read Looking For Alaska by John Green can probably guess that that is where I first heard of this quote*. I love this quote. It was actually my senior quote**, and people continually were asking me: Why that quote? What does it mean? Who said it?

Obviously (well, unless you've never read LFA, then it's not so much) the quote brings back the memories of reading John Green's fantastic book. I've only read it one full time, plus I read about 1/3 of it about a year ago during the summer. I then lent it to my cousin, and haven't seen it since, so I'll probably have to buy yet another copy because that was my second. But I digress.

The fact that I've only read it once changes absolutely nothing. I remember the exact day I started reading it:

It was during my junior year of high school, and it was a Wednesday. I know this because I had Physiology on Wednesday mornings and on this particular day I ditched and was sitting in Mr. Geib's 9th grade English class because my "friend" Mia was in it. I guess she was my friend, but the friendship was short lived. Anyway, I was there instead of where I was supposed to be. Not surprisingly, this happened about once or twice a month***. Before I ended up in Geib's room, however, I had pulled an all-nighter, my first ever, in fact. The day before, I bought two books at random from Barnes and Noble, Looking For Alaska by John Green and Keeping You a Secret by Julie Anne Peters. I stayed up all night reading the latter of the two from cover to cover (it's also quite good). I immediately started LFA around 5 am that Wednesday morning because I just had the reading bug. I ended up leaving my house at 6, went to get a donut and a Monster energy drink****, and then went to seminary at 6:30 with the only thing on my mind being Miles Halter.

So. After Geib's class, I don't really remember the rest of that day, probably because I was so tired. When I got home I took a nap. That I remember.

My point is that the quote reminds me of the book, which then makes me happy and sad and incredibly curious about life after death. And even just life in general. That's the thing, see. A Great Perhaps. What is it?? I believe we each have our very own individual Great Perhaps in each of our lives and that we will either find it or we won't. Not everyone will. Some will search for it, some will not, but regardless of whether or not we are looking for it, it's out there, whatever it is.

Personally, I know what I would like my Great Perhaps to be, but I have no idea if that is what it is, if that makes any sense. Personal revelation versus actual revelation. What is and what I want to be are not the same thing.

I don't generally come off as a religious person, but I truly am. I grew up in the LDS Church, and I am still a member, though perhaps not your traditional Mormon. I side as liberal in most political situations, have tattoos, and watch rated R movies on a regular basis, which isn't quite the norm down here in extremely conservative Southern Utah, but I still love my Church. I believe that physical death is just that: physical. Otherwise, I think we will all go on to bigger and better things after death, in a sense. Whether or not my Great Perhaps is then or now is information that is beyond me, but I like to think it's one or the other, and that I will find it someday.

Good night and later days.

Song of the Day: "Feel It In My Bones" by Tiesto featuring Tegan & Sara

fact: I can't sleep at night if I'm thinking too much, which means that I generally can't ever sleep at all because I'm always thinking, and at quite fast rates. I was prescribed a generic Ambien sort of thing to take to help, but anyone who is street smart about drugs (whether you do them or not) knows that Ambien can be a little weird if you don't go to sleep when you take it. Well, I once forgot that I had taken it. Everything was fine, and after about 30 minutes, I stood up from being seated and found that I was, to put it bluntly, high. Therefore, I must be careful and remember that I did in fact take my meds. Good times.

*If you've never read it, I recommend it, it's truly one of the most thought provoking and heart wrenching coming of age stories I've ever read.

**Funny story: I wasn't actually in my yearbook senior year. I changed schools in the middle of the year, and I didn't make it into my new school's yearbook, but I was still in the old school's. Regardless, the old school wouldn't let me buy a year book from them because I was no longer a student with them...even though I had been for 3 and a half years prior. Hmm.

***For the record I got a D in Physiology because I never turned in my work. It was probably one of my favorite non-art classes in all of high school though, and I still remember quite a lot from it.

****I'm allergic to all energy drinks, more specifically taurine. For some reason my body never reacted to it until last summer when I got an energy booster in my Jamba Juice smoothie and I proceeded to break out in hives, which was weird for me, seeing as it was the first time I had ever been allergic to anything. I narrowed down taurine because I did some research and found out that it was the only ingredient from the boost that is also in Rockstar juice energy drinks (and all others), which is what I drank the second time I broke out in hives last October when I was studying for a nutrition test.

A Chance To Sell My Soul

Despite the fact that I have what I'd call a close relationship with the band Toad the Wet Sprocket, figuratively and literally speaking, I haven't listened to them in quite a long time. Just a few minutes ago I turned on the Toad station on Last.fm and "Desire" came on, which is from their Coil album, if I'm not mistaken, which was...I think their last album before the split. Anyway, I don't have that album anymore because it was stolen out of my mom's truck several years back, along with pretty much all of their other albums that we owned of theirs. Because I only have about 30 of their songs on my itunes I haven't heard many of their songs for a while, which is annoying because my favorite Toad songs are all on the Fear and Coil album, whereas I've only got the P.S. - Greatest Hits album thing.

I had a point to this, but I've seemed to lost my way. Basically, I miss the 90's. I don't care if I was born in 1990, I actually have a surprisingly good memory and can recall things from my past back into 1993.

I miss 90's music a whole heck of a lot, even though it wasn't my favorite at the time, I listened to a lot of Steel Pulse, Elvis Presley, Fleetwood Mac, and Depeche Mode when I was a kid. I was just cool like that I guess. And that's just what my mom listened to. I really started getting into the 90's alternative rock stuff probably around the time when the 90's ended, around 2000.

I've never been one to listen to the radio, but I do remember when I got my very own CD/tape player and I discovered that I had the ability to record things on tape from the radio. Which I did often. In fact, just a few weeks ago, I was cleaning out the back of my car when I found an entire box full of tapes that I've collected over the years from garage sales and thrift stores, and probably my mom, and I found several tapes labeled "Radio Mix" or "Radio Mix 2" or some crap. I also found a "Dance Mix" containing various artists such as Aqua and Spice Girls, which I completely forgot I was into when I was like, 7.

Back to Toad: I miss it. And now that it's back in my life, so to speak, I dig it and am so grateful for such awesome music in my life.

Songs of the Day: "Desire" (I could only find a live mp3 file, my bad) and "Walk On the Ocean" (which you've probably heard before).

fact about myself: I have small nervous ticks (just one of the many perks that come along with the ADD) in my hands and face. It's awesome, let me tell ya. /sarcasm

I Miss

I miss doing things that I'm not supposed to.

I decided to go swing at the playground at the elementary school across the street from my school today around 8pm. Fortunately, it stays light out until around 9, and the weather was cloudy but there was a nice warm breeze out. In my opinion, perfect swinging weather. I sat there for a while without actually swinging, and just thought about when I was 14 and went to parks and swung on swings and proceeded to walk around town into the late hours of the night with the most random people.

My point is, I miss not having to worry. I miss not having to be a grown up, having to go to college, keep a job, be an example to my brothers, and actually thinking about what I'll be doing this time next year. I miss the times where I didn't have to care so much.

Don't get me wrong, I'm happy and all, but I could easily be happier.

But it could be worse.
It could be raining.
/inside joke

Song of the Day: "Camp Out" by An Horse. I'm loving these guys lately. Kate Cooper is awesome. AND Kaki King does a great cover of this song. She's pretty awesome too.

fact: I get extremely annoyed when people interrupt others when they're speaking. It pisses me off, really.

100th post! And a life update

I bought a guitar. Just an electric acoustic from a pawn shop, no big deal. But now I have to wait until I get paid on Thursday to get my Wrockstock pass. THEN I can sign up to play the Wampum Willow at Wrockstock!

In other news, I have no idea if I'm going to be able to go to Ventura in July like I wanted to. I was going to go for 3 or 4 days and see ALL CAPS and Womping Willows and such in LA, but I don't know if I'll be able to afford it.

I've been thinking I should try to find another job for the summer, one that isn't food related. Like a cashier or something. Since I only work nights at the restaurant, I could easily work day shifts somewhere else. I just need to go find somewhere that's hiring. And fast.

I'm quite tired. I was at work until about 1:30 this morning. One of the other dishwashers was fired, but nobody bothered to fix the schedule so that someone else could come in for them. So I was the only dishwasher on a super busy Friday night. Good times.

On that note, goodnight, and later days.

Song of the Day: "Ocean Or a Lakeshore" by Bella. One of my favorite songs right now.

fact: I really like shopping at The Home Depot or Lowe's. Something about a home appliance store really appeals to me.

Oh yeah, I made a MySpace for Reorganized Trench Coats so I could share some stuff over the interwebs. I don't have any songs up except a demo clip of something I still haven't finished writing, but hopefully by the middle of next week I'll have some demos recorded or something.

Happiness is the key to happiness

Having good music in my life makes me so happy.

Just so you know.

Today was made into such a good day because of music and the power that it has over emotions. It's pretty crazy how that all works. I actually made a short film about it a few years back, but I don't have it. I wish I did, it wasn't a bad little movie.

Anyway, this is a short post.

Basically, I'm happy.

Yayy.

:]

Field Hockey (and the thrill of facing reality among all things sporty)

I miss it more than I thought. I went out with my brothers the other day and we passed some balls around, and it made me realize that I miss playing so much.

I played for about 6 years, and I wont lie, I was pretty swell at it. I wasn't as good as some people, but I was better than a lot.

Now, if you're trying to imagine me running around a field with a stick in my hand, weaving in and out of my opponents and scoring goals, stop it. I played goalie. Do you really think I'd run that much? pshhh. Nah. I did end up playing in the field a lot during the last season that I played because I quite enjoyed the intensity and excitement of running around with 19 other people hitting a small ball with sticks half the length of our bodies.

Anyway, I loved goal keeping too. I had such a passion for playing the game, it just continually pushed me to be better at it. The only problem was, as everyone I played with got better, they grew egos, so basically I ended up playing with a bunch of bitchy girls who thought they were better than everyone else in the world. I was getting better too, but I didn't understand the ego bit of it all, so I quit playing just before I turned 16. I didn't want to play with such intensity that I was constantly pissed off at my teammates, just like my team seemed to be.

Basically, in the end I settled for happiness instead of a passion that was losing its light.

There were a few girls that kept playing even when their egos stayed the same size. Actually, by a few I mean like, one. I still talk to one of them every once and a while. She actually plays on UC Davis's field hockey team now, which is awesome. I remember when she first started playing hockey, and she just had an amazingly natural talent for it. She was definitely born to play.

Maybe I should just move to Canada now so I can be closer to the sports I enjoy the most (kind of kidding). Seriously though, if I had the financial means to back me up, I would totally move to Canada to go to school. Which I might end up doing in a few years anyway.

Whatever, I guess I'll have to wait and see...

Song of the Day: "Diablo Rojo" (Red Devil) by Rodrigo y Gabriela. Always been one of my favorite bands concerning world music. Not that I really listen to a lot of the world music genre, but yeah. Check them out, they're kind of awesome.

fact: I played volleyball for 6 years too, but never really took it seriously until just before high school. I tried out for Ventura High School's volleyball team the summer before my freshman year, which is when I discovered favoritism among high school sports, seeing as about 3 or 4 other girls made the team instead of me when they had never played before, whereas I worked my butt off, just to be cut in the first round. And for the record (and I don't say this out of bitterness, just pure and simple truth) they all sucked.

A List

For some reason that I'm not exactly sure of, I've decided that I don't want to live in this country for the rest of my life.

I've decided that after I graduate from Dixie State College of Utah with my B.A. in English Education (oh, by the way, I changed my major to English Education) I would really like to move to either Canada or England. Or one, and then the other at a later date. Not sure yet.

In any case, I think I'm going to look into getting my masters at a school in Canada, either in Vancouver or Montreal. I'll also be looking at some schools in the midwest and in California (San Diego area and San Francisco).

I know I've still got at least 2 years (probably more like 3) until I graduate, but I like thinking about my plans for the future, even if they are just simply ideas, like teaching English and Art in a high school in Vancouver. I can dream.

Song of the Day: "Happier" by A Fine Frenzy

fact: I've had the same paper journal since I was 7 years old, and it's not full yet because I always forget about it for literally years at a time. It's almost there though.

Well, Well.

I'm not really sure why it's started just these last few months, but I am a huge Tegan and Sara fan girl. I mean, I liked them and all when I discovered them in like, 2004, but this...this is definitely worse. They're just kind of addicting.

But I think it's a good thing to be addicted to, as far as I'm concerned.

Anyway, they have now joined my top 5 favorite bands along with Rilo Kiley, The Shins, Led Zeppelin, and Ingrid Michaelson. Like I said, I'm not sure why they weren't my favorites before.

Generally, T&S fans have a favorite, Tegan or Sara. I thought I was more of a Tegan fan at first, but now I'm thinking that they're both pretty freaking cool.

Yeah, well, there wasn't really any point to this except to sharer with you all my love of Tegan and Sara. If you're not a listener, you really should be.

My favorite songs are probably Northshore, Hell, On Directing (from Sainthood), We Didn't Do It, Take Me Anywhere, I Won't Be Left (from So Jealous), The Con, Dark Come Soon, and Nineteen (from The Con). My favorite album of theirs is Sainthood, followed closely by So Jealous, so maybe start there if you don't know where to start.

Well. Get to it, then.

fact: My guilt free three: Michael C. Hall, Aaron Johnson, Sara Quin (yeah, alright, so maybe I have a favorite)

Dexter Season 4 Finale

Okay, so, I mean, season four of Skins had a twist at the end, but THIS? Dexter just went all out and freaking killed (No pun intended. Not at first anyway.) every twist of an ending in the history of twists.

I wont spoil anything, just in case you've never seen Dexter and you'd like to. Which I highly recommend, by the way. Unless you don't like blood and excessive use of cuss words, then stay away.

My mind has just been blown and I don't even know what to do with myself now.

Weeds did the same thing, but in a more comedic fashion, considering the differing of the genres of the two shows. But still. Same sort of thing happened when I saw that finale for season 5. Mind = blown.

I need to sleep this off now.

Song of the Day: anything by An Horse, they're pretty awesome.

fact: I could NEVER be a vegetarian. Not even if you...okay, well maybe if you paid me.

LAST DAY OF BEDA FAIL

Seriously though, you'd think I would have remembered to blog on the last day of BEDA. But no.

The last two days have been interesting.

I found out that my ALL CAPS and John Green pizza shirts were lost in the mail and I will most likely never receive them, seeing as they were limited edition sorts of things.

I bought The Con album of T&S's on vinyl AND CD(!). I also bought their So Jealous album on CD.

I pre-ordered Erase This.

I worked a long time during a ridiculously large dinner rush.

I saw Kick-Ass and fell in love with Arron Johnson and Chloe Moretz simultaneously, though in completely different ways.

I decided to go to Wrockstock (and hopefully be one of the 16 bands to play the Wampum Willow) thanks to absolutely awesome strangers.

My little brother told me today that he thinks Santa is actually Satan because he steals our cookies on Christmas and their names are anagrams of each other. (He's 12, just by the way.)

My life is pretty cool, I guess.

Later days.

Song of the Day: "The Chain" by Ingrid Michaelson

facts:

one . I once met the Plain White T's because I entered a contest and won so that they'd play at my school. I don't remember entering such a contest, but it was cool all the same.

two . If I were to make a list of who I think the most awesome females in the world are right now, it would be this:

Tegan and Sara (mainly because of their hilarious banter during concerts, but also because their music is BOMB)

Hayley Williams

Chloe Moretz

Ingrid Michaelson

Sandra Bullock

...and probably just all of the 5AG

THE END. Thanks for reading my blog for April :]

I'll keep writing, just like, 2 or 3 times a week as opposed to daily.